The Leavers' Ball, held annually in December is an eagerly anticipated occasion and one that is highly symbolic. The modern offspring of the debutante ball, it is still one of those rites of passage that is so important. The girls, splendid in their finery, shake my hand and move on to be welcomed into the world of the old girls. For me it is special evening, as I look at these young women, confident, articulate and eagerly moving out into the next stage of their journey.

I was reminded of this event last December when I recently attended the University of Canterbury 2009 Scholarships award ceremony, a lovely occasion held every year to honour the recipients of the various scholarships awarded to young people entering their first year of study at Canterbury.  It was wonderful to see our leavers, Nina Chambers, Cara Chimirri and Emily Craigie receive their scholarships, and to see these capable and motivated young women already established in that important next stage.

And often at such occasions my mind goes back to the new entrant interviews, when I first meet the often shy, sometimes uncertain girls, aged either about ten for someone coming in at Year 7 or thirteen for someone coming in at Year 9. They come to us as they are beginning to move out of childhood. They leave us as young women. The journey from the fi rst state to the second is a remarkable one, as I’m sure parents know.  It is a journey along a multilane highway, a time of multiple rapid development: emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, social. It is a journey of discovery and of learning, of increased self determination and self knowledge. It is a journey full of contradictions, of resisting rules but wanting boundaries and reasonable guidelines; of distancing from family but wanting closeness; of fluctuations between bravado and insecurity; of frustration at the present but fear of the future. It is a time of moving from dependence to independence, from dreams to actualization.

It is not just a time of significant changes for the girls. Parents, too, have to make huge adjustments. From birth we nurture our children, making careful decisions for and later with them, being a central part to their lives and their wellbeing. The move away from that state happens gradually, as our children grow and begin to take more responsibility for their own decisions and lives and as family and school help them to manage this process. They make mistakes; the reasoning part of their brain is still underdeveloped, especially compared to the emotional and this can be an unfortunate imbalance. The role of the parent trying to guide can be like walking on a knife’s edge.  Tensions occur when your daughter’s idea of what she can do and decide differs from her parents’.

As parents this can be a time when the emotional rollercoaster is as sharp for us as it is for our children. We agonise. We hold our breath, we lie awake at night, we ponder when to make that ‘just checking’ phone call that will probably have an angry response. We want to rush to defend, we still want the intimate involvement in their lives that we had – but our daughters need to grow towards being independent young women. At this time in their lives the lines of communication and the expectations that have been established earlier are vital. Nigel Latta, in his book “Before Your Teenagers Drive You Crazy Read This” says ‘all discipline systems are built on a bedrock of relationship. Without this you have no leverage. And this is not about a friendship. Your kid has plenty of friends. He needs parents.” He points out that such relationships take time and effort – conversations in the car, eating fish and chips together, family holidays, watching sport. He also emphasises the importance of negotiating and then setting rules that are adhered to. The initial act of negotiating helps ensure an outcome that can be acceptable to all.

A parent’s love for his or her children makes it terribly difficult to accept some of the changes that occur over this time. It is hard for a parent to accept that his or her daughter might choose friends who seem to be a negative influence. It is hard to watch a daughter develop a life that you don’t have a very great involvement in. It is very hard to learn that your daughter can seek independent medical advice, that she can be on medication without your knowing, that she might choose a course of study you don’t agree with or drop the activities she is so good at. There are a lot of families where these things are talked about, where the communication is open and issues are out in the open. Thus the years of transition are easier for both sides. But teenage girls are not predictable creatures, they are not always rational and sometimes girls are reluctant to be open about crucial aspects of their lives. Sometimes they are afraid of the reaction, sometimes embarrassed, sometimes they simply don’t want decisions over ridden, sometimes they are heavily influenced by friends. Sometimes they don’t even know why they are being contrary. And sometimes the school gets caught in between.

Our policy is always to encourage a girl to talk with her parents, whatever the issue. The conversations that girls have with the Guidance Counsellor, or in fact with any member of the health profession, are confidential but at all times talking with parents is strongly encouraged. In the end, however, it is always the girl’s decision. Parents sometimes get angry at the school because we don’t tell them about something we might be aware of. Quite simply, often we can’t without the daughter’s permission but as parents as well as educators, we are only too well aware of the feelings on both sides.

Girls over 16 in particular are in many legal respects independent individuals. By law they can visit medical specialists, choose to whom reports will be sent and they can leave home. By 18 they can buy and drink alcohol, vote, marry, change their name, sign contracts and be legally independent of their parents’ guardianship. These changes, in such a short time, are the external ones: of equal magnitude are the inner changes.

Girls in their senior years are in a transitory stage. Close to leaving school and often home, they have a myriad of important decisions in front of them and this can be the unspoken messages are strong, where stressful. They need and want guidance, the bond is clear and where both are open discussion, and acceptance. They celebrating a journey well travelled and will resist instructions, pressure, and another new one about to begin. what they might, rightly or wrongly, see as parents trying to ‘run’ their lives.  It’s a tightrope for parents, anxious only for the best, but sometimes confusing what they want and what is best for their daughter. Open conversation which encourages an exploration of options and where issues are examined objectively is the ideal, but in the emotionally charged world of teenagers and parents, can be easier said than done. It is easier to maintain however, if the patterns for this are started early, and if in depth conversations which explore all manner of issues are a normal part of family life.

Building these foundations will serve both parents and daughter well when and if difficult situations are encountered.

There is no happier group than the parents at the Leavers’ Ball, rejoicing in their daughters and the young women that they have become. As I see the daughters come towards me with their mother, father or whoever they have chosen to present them, it is often a moment where